"But I don't even have a bag packed yet"

Little Kumingking gave us a scare this past December. I was just over 31 weeks pregnant and had spent a week in Maryland with students from our college Christian group, volunteering for the Salvation Army's annual Angel Tree Project. We had arrived back home in Athens, OH from a long 5 1/2 hr. drive and, although a rewarding week, I was exhausted from the week's sorting, bagging, and moving gifts, painting church rooms, and playing host and cook for our college group. I admit, I may have over exerted myself, much to the dismay of my husband, but I did not like the idea of "taking it easy" while everyone else worked hard (Illogical thinking for a 7-month pregnant woman, I know).

It was about 11pm when Darrin and I decided to turn in for the evening, when to my sheer panic, I noticed I had started to bleed a little. Not wanting to alarm Darrin, I mustered up the calmest face I could come up with and casually mentioned the dilemma. It didn't take much for Darrin to see through my fake-everything-is-fine face, however, he stayed calm and collected and suggested I give my physician a call. Even though I could feel the panic infest my whole body, I kept telling myself that everything would be ok. If you know me well, you know I don't do well in emergency situations. My brain shuts down and all the worst case scenarios dramatically come alive. I may seem fine on the outside, but you get glimpses of my fear - like when I told the nurse I was 53 weeks pregnant! After correcting my mistake and attempting to explain my situation, the nurse told me that the on-call obstetrician would call me right back.

I sat on the edge of our bed staring at my phone for what seemed like an eternity. When the phone finally rang, I ignored my let-it-ring-twice-before-answering rule and came close to shouting "hello" to the resident on the other end. After answering the same questions the nurse had previously asked me, (which I was perturbed about. Didn't he have all this information?! Didn't he realize he was wasting precious time?!! Wasn't he aware I could have my baby right now?!!!) Dr. Resident told me that I should make my way to Labor & Delivery.

And that's when I lost it. The words "labor and delivery" felt like my death sentence and all the fears about becoming a new parent exploded in every fiber of my being... Ok, so you're probably thinking "she's so melodramatic", but you need to understand, I get that way when I panic. I hung up the phone and looked at Darrin, trying to formulate the instructions Dr. Resident had just provided me with. Instead, my face muscles prepared itself for work, and a second later, I was gushing tears and telling Darrin I didn't have a bag packed yet. My amazing husband held me close, telling me everything was going to be fine, and then proceeded to dump everything out of his backpack and stuff it with diapers and brand new baby clothes. In response, I told him I did not like his backpack and wanted to use the cute baby bag instead. Obedient and ever so calm, he moved the packed contents to the cute baby bag, while I called my mom and sister, alternating my words and sobs, as I relayed our situation.

I tried to stall our trip to Labor & Delivery, asking Darrin if I should change out of my sweats and venting that we had not had a chance to take maternity pictures or Lamaze yet. It's moments like these when I am reminded how lucky I am to have Darrin. Throughout my panic state, he remained level-headed, supportive, and calm, and eventually convinced me that what mattered now was for us to head to Labor & Delivery.

After hours of various tests, my physician told me that although they could not find the cause of the bleeding, everything looked fine. Little Kumingking was not coming tonight, and although she was sitting a little low, she was not in any danger. I was discharged that same night, with Darrin making me promise to take it easy and not be so stubborn about doing things that could potentially hurt me and/or the baby.

We thank God every day that little Kumingking is fine and we even laugh a little about how I responded to the situation. Darrin tells me that my "face change" after I got off the phone will forever be ingrained in his memory and we both chuckle at the fact that my number one concern after being instructed to head to Labor & Delivery was that I did not have a bag packed. I tell him it was symbolic, which it was. Not having my bag packed, to me, confirmed that I was far from being ready for parenthood. Aside from being a full-time grad student, working part-time as an ACF chaplain, and participating in a 20hr. Graduate Assistantship, how was I going to ever succeed in what, I believe, is the most important and daunting responsibility ever given to individuals - parenting. This was not part of our five year plan and I was far from ready to be called "mommy", let alone have the responsibilities that come with that name.

I still have fears about how good of a parent I will be. For those of you who are parents, I'm sure you agree that you'll go through your whole life with some of those fears. But I think I am better equipped. I realize that I have an AMAZING partner who will stand by me through the highs and lows of parenting (Although, he's already putty in his daughter's hands and I have a feeling I'll be "bad parent" most of the time). I recognize the overwhelming support system I have from family and friends. And most important, I realize that I am not alone. My Heavenly Father, the perfect parent, is on my side, ready to give me guidance, encouragement, and support as we journey through this new adventure together. That, and I have my bag packed.